Down time....

Its been a while, maybe I'm trying to avoid posting, maybe I'm just afraid I'll open up. Life's been a drag lately, as work has been piling up and for once in my academic life, I can see myself starting to go down hill. I'm starting to loose sleep and self-esteem, which seems strange to talk about, humiliating to admit. Classes are starting to get irrelevant as the stupid people try to make class funny, but its putting us behind. You can only go along with it for so long, but now they're wasting my time. Its annoying, especially when there's nothing stopping them.

Maybe its that feeling of annoyance that making me feel weak lately, especially after I found out how weak I really am... From where I thought I was and wanted to be. The might be the first post where someone said something that put themselves down, or maybe I misinterpreted the earlier posts. Feeling useless doesn't help much, and the lack of sleep and silence is starting to ware me down. I keep lying to myself, telling me that its just a phase, just stress before stress free times. I keep pushing the notions away, not completing thoughts and procrastination.

That's my main problem, not enough self-motivation to get anything done. At first it was alright, but I can only hide away from it for so long, especially once the result of procrastinating starts coming around. So much I want to do, that I need to do, but I make excuses to push them away. The thing that scares me the most is the fact of "if not now, when" and the thought in the back of my head that's says thought that I will eventually end up procrastinating on these thoughts again and push thing back further.

I always assumed I worked hard, but what's working hard if you never reach your limitations, I have never actually pushed my self to, let alone passed my mental endurance. I have never had the sensations of breaking my limits to the point I can't do anymore, to the point of collapse. Maybe its because I've seen other people reach their limits and starting to surpass me. I've never had to catch up before, and now that I'm being forced to do so, I'm standing still. I'm not afraid, or maybe its that I don't know what I'm afraid of.

All I know for sure is, that ever since I was younger, I always thought to myself, "does it matter after death, does any of it matter, why waste my time for a lost cause, a battle I'm suppose to loose." People might find me paranoid, but I'm just typing without restrictions... Letting ideas flow... There I go again with another excuse. Maybe I'm trying to impress the wrong people, maybe I'm thinking to hard, maybe I'm not getting enough sleep.. Maybe this, maybe that, but I can't come to a conclusion, so I'm left in the middle again, trying to find an end. I know the end of me is death, I know its inevitable, but for some reason, that ending is not good enough, so I'm stuck in the middle of everything... Looking for an end to my thoughts, or I'm lost.... And suppose to be searching for a beginning, something I haven't seen in a long time

6:35: Some thinking has been going on, as well as some reading, and listening to music, when I realized something. I have no dreams. I have goals, I have ambitions, I have things I want to do, but no single entity that links all of these together. I don't have a solid base for my goals, which explains my lack of motivation. I have more opportunities then what most people have, and I try to keep as many opportunities open, but I have no single way of deciding anything. It's my dream, life long goal that I don't have, so I'm left in the shadows of others, trying to help them instead myself. I can try hard and do something, I can... But I don't, because I don't have a reason to, there's nowhere I want to be, there's no single place in the world I want to be, more than anything else. Everything is judged equal in my mind, there's nothing that stands out.... And I can't explain to myself why. I know its a problem, probably part of a bigger problem, but something that needs to be dealt with, but again, I don't have a reason to solve... So I'm left hanging, in a paradox I made for myself.... All I need is for a place to begin, even if it means starting over with nothing... at least I can use that as an excuse to myself....


I make no sense above, and I wrote it. I skip from one thing to another, but then again, I'm not reading what I'm typing, just letting it be.

*Side not... thers an annonymous person thats been posting lately, poking fun at us, with the shield of alack of identifiable name


They say that as the universe began with a bang, it will end with one, coming back into a singularity. From it, there, will be another release of energy from a bang, and the universe will start over again, and play out exactly as it did last time. If this is true, then this might be the only chance to get things right, for the sake of eternity.